Revisit: Transformers

A Dreamworks film 2007

Directed by Michael Bay

Written by Roberto Orci & Alex Kurtzman

An ancient struggle re-erupts on Earth between two extraterrestrial clans, the heroic Autobots and the evil Decepticons, with a clue to the ultimate power held by a young teenager.



Transformers is a big, loud, dumb movie. That would be fine - I'd expect nothing less, especially from Michael Bay - if it were fun. But it isn't. It's just big, loud, and dumb.

What's wrong with it? Two things, namely: the script, and the action. Writers Roberto Orci & Alex Kurtzman spend a lot of time dilly-dallying, wasting our time with corny jokes, backstory and general B.S. before getting to the action. When it finally comes, the robots move too quickly, with their 'transformations' so visually complex, that it's difficult to follow. The result: boring boring boring.

How hard is it to make giant robots fun? Get 'em smashing shit and we've got a movie! You would think pairing Michael Bay and giant friggin' robots would be a match made in heaven. Hopefully they up the ante with the sequel, due this summer, cause this first installment was quite the snoozefest.

Revisit: The Thief of Bagdad

A United Artists film 1940

Directed by:
Ludwig Berger
Michael Powell
Tim Whelan
Alexander Korda(uncredited)
Zoltan Korda (uncredited)
William Cameron Menzies (uncredited)

Written by Miles Malleson

Prince Ahmad is the rightful King of Bagdad but has been blinded and cast out as a beggar. Together with Abu, the best thief in all Bagdad, the Prince sets out on a series of adventures that involve a Djinni in a bottle, a mechanical flying horse, an all-seeing magic jewel, a flying carpet and a beautiful princess in order to restore his kingdom from the wicked Grand Vizier Jaffar.



Old school Hollywood in all its splendor, The Thief of Bagdad features exotic locales (!), amazing special effects (!), beautiful women (!), and high-flying action (!), all in glorious Technicolor (!!!). Not to be confused with the (arguably better) 1924 silent film of the same name, this Thief cobbles its plot from a bunch of stories out of Arabian Nights, which makes for some spectacular sequences that were then re-imaged for the Disney animated film Aladdin.

The film is delightfully simple stuff -- easy to digest and fun to look at with a lot happening on screen but little going on up stairs. For some reason, none of the actors are Arab -- Sabu (who plays Abu in the film, why'd they even bother to change his name?) is the most famous actor here, and the most ethnic, having been one of the first Indian actors in Hollywood. It also marks John Justin's film debut, a British stage actor who occasionally dabbled in film. He sports a hilarious thin-lip-stache and struggles to hide his British roots throughout the film. We had a lot of fun making jokes at his expense while watching.

Legend has it that producer Alexander Korda was so demanding that he went through six directors during the making of this film, including his brother Zoltan Korda and leading art director William Cameron Menzies. Not shocking -- everything presented on screen, from the lavish set pieces to the extravagant effects to the pastel-saturated color scheme looks expensive as hell, especially considering the time. This is one of the best example of early big budget Hollywood movie-making one could find. Worth watching if you dig that sort of thing.

Dinner with the Rat

There's an auction going on Ebay right now that offers the chance for a private dinner with director Brett Ratner. Right now the current bid is at US $8,643.73, which is a heck of a lot of money. The disclaimer says nothing about bodygaurds being present, so let's hope whomever wins this bad boy takes the opportunity to punch Ratner in the face. They'd be doing film fans everywhere a favor.

To Bay or Not To Bay?

Here's a recent article written by Johnathan Foster discussing the two differing schools on Michael Bay: explosions vs art. Foster's makes a pretty simple argument

I gave up on Michael Bay movies having great stories or strong characters long ago, and yet, I find that he continually fails to deliver thrills. He wields explosions around as gracelessly as bad comedies do jokes, and yet his pyrotechnic fervor has wrongly come to symbolize the entire genre: the bigger the fireworks, the better the film.

but I think Bay's validity in cinema is a bit more complex. Bay's films are so overtly pro-American, patriotic in the truest sense of the word, that it's almost hard to ignore. Take Armaggeddon, for example, in which some variation of red white and blue can be found in every frame. While he may not have 'style', his aesthetic is so well defined that it alone can distinguish a film. Maybe its similar to the way people appreciate Ed Wood - bad, but so distinctly bad.

I haven't seen Transformers yet (or any of the other major blockbusters this season, they're all so crummy!) but I am definitely interested. I figure, if Hollywood can't get gigantic fucking fighting robots right, then they should really just stop making movies. Just stop.

Coney Island Summer Film Series

Coney Island is offering a summer of fantastic popcorn movies every Saturday night for discount prices. Highlights include Dog Day Afternoon, Fritz the Cat, Viva Las Vegas, Marx Brothers At the Circus, and my personal favorite, Killer Klowns from Outer Space.

Find the full list of screenings here

CONEY ISLAND SATURDAY NIGHT FILM SERIES 2007
presented by indiefilmpage.com & Coney Island USA
MAY 19TH - SEPTEMBER 8TH
at the Coney Island Museum 1208 Surf Ave.
between Stillwell Ave. and West 12th Street
Tickets $5, Free Popcorn! Shows start at 8:30pm, doors open 8pm.

This Summer? Stay Indoors

Summer is usually a great time for the movies. Theaters always beat the heat as Hollywood puts forth the big bucks to blow audiences away with special effects extravanganzas and escapist fare. But unless you live in a city where Herzog films or Lee Marvin tributes abound, there isn't much to look forward to this year. Most of the movies coming out are unnecessary sequels or tired ideas. It's in these trying times that I am thankful for DVDs. While home entertainment will never quite match the theater-going experience, at least it puts you in control of the crap that's on screen. So this summer, instead of wasting seven dollars on another sequel, crank the A.C., curl up on the couch and enjoy these flicks:

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The original ogre, The Hunchback of Notre Dame is a classic story and was perhaps no better realized than in this 1939 film starring Charles Laughton. Laughton gives an impressive dramatic performance as the insufferable Quasimodo, whose damaged looks went on to set the standard for Hollywood make-up effects and inspired effects artists such as Rick Baker. The 1928 silent version is great as well.


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The original Rush Hour was noted for its plays on race relations, but people forget that this idea had already been perfected in the 1982 buddy pic 48 Hours. Much funnier than anything Brett Ratner could produce, 48 Hours features Eddie Murphy as a wise-cracking criminal turned cop who aids Nick Nolte in tracking down a killer. This one's almost a no-brainer - Eddie Murphy and Nick Nolte? Handled by The Warriors Walter Hill? Obviously better than a bunch of Jackie-Chan-No-Speaka-Da-English jokes any day.


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War and screwball comedy are often mixed with hellish results, but David O. Russel's best film manages to combine the two with biting results. Three Kings is as hilarious as it is critical, pertinent as it is pastiche. Besides, Larry the Cable Guy isn't funny.


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The brillance behind the 1993 kid's flick Surf Ninjas is incredibly understated. You see, it's about ninjas. Who surf. That's cooler than Penguins any day. The pic stars a young Rob Schneider and Leslie Neilson as the bumbling half-cyborg supervillian. Trust me, it's sweet.


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ANYTHING WITH ERROL FLYNN

Errol Flynn was the swashbuckler Johnny Depp wishes he could be. Don't get me wrong, Depp makes a great pirate and all, but those Carribean movies are crap. You're better off watching any number of Flynn's old flicks, including (but not limited to) Captain Blood, The Adventures of Robin Hood, The Dawn Patrol, The Prince and the Pauper, or The Sea Hawk.


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C'mon now. A PG-13 Die Hard? No one wants that.


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If you're going to watch a musical that features cross-dressing males in prominent roles, you might as well make it one that stars Marilyn Monroe as well. This classic screwball comedy follows two musicians on the run after witnessing a mob hit. It's countlessly referenced as one of the greatest comedies of all time, and is a great way to get started on the works of master director Billy Wilder.



More suggestions coming soon!

Review: Spiderman 3

A Sony Pictures release 2007

Directed by Sam Raimi

Writing credits:
Sam Raimi (screenplay)
Ivan Raimi (screenplay)
Alvin Sargent (screenplay)
Stan Lee (Marvel comic book)
Steve Ditko (Marvel comic book)



Six years after 9/11, Spiderman continues to swing on the big screen, keeping New York safe from a slew of spiteful evil-doers. The original Spiderman film, released in May of 2002, was the first true post-9/11 movie. While critics debated whether director Raimi should have kept shots of the fallen towers in the film, audiences connected to Spidey's every-man-with-the-odds-against-him charm, the anti-hero that, like our own country, just wanted to do good for his friendly neighbors but couldn't seem to get the respect he deserved.

Well, now Spiderman has that respect and more - and it seems to have gone to his head. Spiderman 3 is all about Peter Parker's inability to see past the suit, to deal with the 'fame' of being a local hero and the dark forces that drive him to revenge. The film boasts three villians - a feat not since seen in a comic book movie since Batman & Robin - but really it has four, with Parker himself perhaps being the greatest of them all. As he continually pushes the people he loves away, Parker becomes consumed by his own hubris, and that internal struggle is brought to the forefront.



While this may be the logical progression for a franchise that roots itself in the struggles of herodom, unfortunately the film lacks any subtlety that would make this transformation interesting. The characters flail around, guided by that most magical of forces: the hand of the writer. Each moment feels painfully obvious, and fails to take us to any new or spectacular height. It doesn't help that much of the dialogue is stilted in that George Lucas sort of way; look for a trying love scene between Parker and MJ on a bridge that actually brought some of the audience at my screening to hysterics.

But most people don't see these films for the dialogue anyway; its all about watching the webslingler shoot his way across the New York skyline. While some of the CGI moments are momentarily breathtaking, much of the action feels claustrophobic, with shots that are too close up or moving too fast to really even see what's going on. In their most evil form, the villians look overly cartoony and at times it's hard to believe that anything on the screen is even being presented with the illusion of reality at all. I really wish they had waited ten years or so for the technology to improve - it certainly would have helped the Sandman, who looks like a giant clump of digital dust.

My suggestion? See this film on IMAX. It's probably the only way to get the full effect of the action sequences, and it might make the rest of the film seem a bit more palatable as well.